Fun With Dirk and Jane
by LadyRhodochrosite
Summary: Dirk Strider has just graduated from college, now moving into his first apartment with his long -time internet friend/heiress-trying-to-come-into-her-own, Jane Crocker. (and Roxy is da bes cuz evar) Rated M for later chapter material. (Dfab/ftm dirk)
1. Chapter 1

Genre:slice of life (so far)  
Pairing:DirkJane  
Tw:light cursing?  
Au: non-Sburb universe  
Content Rating: PG/PG-13 so far  
(Rewrite of the one i lost yesterday, wont be as gr8)

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Dirk arrived to the apartment complex a day or so early, just so he could check it all out before his room mate got there. Upon entering, he found himself trapped in the most foul stench he could have ever imagined, it was awful. He left his bag on the porch thing and began checking the rooms. The livingroom was empty, bathroom looked normal, kitchen's pretty normal, then the first bedroom. He looked around to find nothing amiss at first, then he saw it. In the closet lie what looked like a grey-green furry sludge mixture. "What the fuck is that?" He mumbled with tears in his eyes from the concentration of the odor. He checked the second room to find it perfectly normal, yellowed cracking paint on the walls and hardwood floor just like everywhere else inside.  
He locked up, picked up his bag, and went up to dollar tree for cleaning supplies. 'LA's Totally Awesome', a cheap mop, and some steel wool scrubbers usually did the trick, he got a bucket from Wal-Mart , contraxtor bags from Ace, and went on back. As soon as he got there, he opened windows, unpacked and lit some Tiger's Blood incense, filled up the bucket and got to work on the substance.  
It took him a good two hours just to scrub it all out, he didn't want to know what that was. He went ahead and mopped the rest of the place while he had the equipment on hand. " whoever left that shit was a sick, sick person.." he said as he finished. The bucket and mop were emptied and left in the kitchen while he got enough pillows and blankets to make a pallet on the floor of the formerly toxic, now well scented first bedroom. He would take it so she didn't have to. All the windows were closed and he went to sleep.

Dirk awoke the next morning pretty comfortably for floor sleep. He went out to call in a favor from his cousin Roxy. He lie on the hood of his unfortunately color schemed 1976 Chevy Malibu. Pea soup green inside and out, a black satin finish would do wonders for its appeal.

Roxy drove up in her big, honkin' black 2007 Dodge Ram 1500 with a powder pink racing stripe and interior to match her eyes and hair. " Heyy there cuuuuz, are you jelly jelly jelly yet!?"  
"Not as much as you want me to be, you still live with your moms"  
"Why give up free everything?"  
" Because i'm 21 years old."  
"We just got out of college, come on everyone needs a little fuckaround time!"  
"You graduated top of your class in computer sciemce or information technology or some shit, didn't you?"  
"And you did robotics but that doesn't mean we have sell our souls to a landlord just fucken yet, home skillet."  
"Whatever, just let me in your stupid truck." They drove out to his older brother's place to get his mattress and book cases, the only things he couldn't fit in the car. "Now go go Dirkadirk get that dumb mattress, because of course bedframes are so mainstream!"  
"Cram it, Roxanne Laurelelle Kharma Lalonde."  
"Dirk Da'Rellynn Strider!"  
She stuck her tongue out and watched him struggle with the mattress by himself, full size gets pretty unwieldy. When he got to the porch of the house, he just let it fall to the ground and Roxy helped him heave it into the bed of the truck. "That it?"  
"Two 6x4 book cases."  
"I hate you, get a goddamn kindle like a normal person. " she said in jest as they both handled them in tandem.  
When they finished, they got back in the truck.  
"Soooo when's she getting here, dirkadirk?"  
"Tomorrow."  
" are you gonna,you know, do stuff?"  
"Like what?"  
" sexy stuff"  
"You are not going there"  
"Oh come on i know you want tooooo"  
" you're sick."  
"I know you."  
"Don't you have your own romance to overanalyze?"  
"Not really, ooh but i do have a succulent college boy who i cam with sometimes, god he's cute and his dick-"  
"I don't need to know about your barely-legal cam boy dick."  
"Hey he's legal though, i am so done with jailbait. "  
"Good job, Rox, you're gonna be such a cougar."  
"Living la vida loca"  
"That's not even in context."  
"Fuckofffff"  
"Just help me drag this shit upstairs."  
"God you suck." Roxy killed the engine and got out to help him haul first the heavy shit, then the rest of it all.  
"Hey you want some spinach alfredo my moms cooked? Kan packed us this cute lunch thing."  
"Oh god yes," he got out and rinsed off some forks.  
Roxy poured them each a weak cosmo from a flask and they ate their meals.  
After they finished eating they threw the forks in the sink and started organizing Dirk's shit.  
"How many Gurren Lagann figures do you got, man?"  
"Just that box. There's another for stuff like mobilesuit gundam 00 and black rock shooter and everything else"  
"You dooork"  
"Shut it shoujo girl."  
"I did like Peach Girl and Skip Beat. Guess GL wasn't too bad neither."

Knock. .

"I will get that!"  
Roxy opened the door to see a cute, plump girl of probably short-average height with red lipstick, rosy cheeks, bright baby blue eyes, and curly black hair.

Jane waited at the door, she wondered if she should've messaged him earlier, made it less of a surprise. But where's the fun in that?  
The door opened to reveal a tall, lean built girl with one of the darkest spray tans and powder pink hair and eyes.  
"Is there a Dirk Strider here?" Jane asked her, a little confused.  
Roxy dragged her inside, "OH DIRKADIRK YOUR CUTE LIL GIRLFRIEND IS HERE"

Dirk hit himself in the face out of a mix of habit and embarrassment. "Roxy you're despicable." He fast-walks over and hugs Jane, spinning her," and you're early!"  
"I am! I ended up flying in one of my company's jets they use for conferences."  
"Swankay, gurl how did you end up friends with my cousin?"  
"Internet, oh Dirk where do i put my bag? "  
"I'll show you." He took her hand and led her through the hall, showing her each room along the way."..and here is your room. The other had something in it but i got everything up and i hope you dont mind all the incense. "  
"Oh, no it smells fine, this room looks..nice."  
" i think the last tenant or three might have been smokers, the paint is all fucked up."  
"Oh no! I like it fine, i mean i did tell my dad that i wanted to live on my own, or at least without his help," she finally puts her stuff down near the closet. "So what were you up to?"

"Just organizing my stuff. We did a lot of moving today."  
"Nice, my things are coming tomorrow."  
"So where's princess Crocker sleepin'?" Roxy asked as she approached them,having gotten bored.

Dirk turned back to Jane," you can take my bed."

Jane threw her hands up," i dont mean to take your space."

"You two could shaaaaaaree" Roxy nudged at Jane with her elbow,"c'mon Janey, Dirkadirk."

Dirk shrugged," i have no reason to mind it, but dont you have to be home for dinner, Roxanne."

"Hell yeah! Y'all have fun eating off brand ramen" she left, only to continuously text for the rest of the night.

"She's got to be fun at parties."  
"Yeah, so what do you say on the bed issue?"

"Sharing is fine. I like boys with bleached hair." She giggled.


	2. Chapter 2

Genre:slice of life (so far)  
Pairing: DirkJane  
Tw:a bit of cussing  
Au: non-sburb, room mate au  
Content Rating: PG-13 i think

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Jane awoke amidst a sea of anime plushies and comic based pillows. Some were soft, others were felt and foam. She lie there for an indeterminate amount of time just because of how soft the mattress and all of this stuff was. Eventually, Dirk came in and nudged her shoulder. " hey are you gonna get up? I figured you'd wanna come with me to go get some breakfast and find some furniture. "

"Where we going?" She sat up and stretched a bit, pulling her sleep shirt down when she felt it rolled up.

"Wherever you want? Though im partial to whataburger."

" I'll try that. Let me change first, do we have water here yet, i dont remember if we did."

"We have all of our utilities, the place is all bills paid."

" wow that's cool. I like this."

"Well go do your thing, Jane Betthany Crocker. "

"I will," she replied, having stood up and grabbed her back pack.  
She went through her little routine to take care of her hair, washed herself up, and got a cute, simple outfit with a dark blue knee length skirt and a white lacy blouse with a short sleeved cardigan.  
She purposefully exited the washroom with a burst of billowing steam in only the most dramatic pose she could muster from her collection of old black and white films.

Dirk immediately caught on and exclaimed, in the most hokey-dramatic-ass voice he could get out," Why if you aren't just the most handsome woman i could ever hope to find!"

" why i do proclaim I'd say you must be a politician because that is the most blatant lie i have ever heard!" She said in her best, or worst, attempt at an old movie southern belle.

" whyever would you think that? Im honest like Abe and Washington alll rolled up into one"

" you didn't even do the voice that time," she giggled," and i was joking it was all i could think of i'm not great at improv, what was that thing you said?"

"The most honest thing i could think of was abe lincoln and george Washington rolled into one superprez."

" that is the most honest thing you could hope to imagine, indeed."

"So are we gonna go eat? Im starving. "

" yes we are!"

They ate at whataburger, acted like dorks talking with their plastic forks in batman voices, the middle prongs bent off to make it look like the bat ears.  
Afterward, they went to Dirks aunts house to borrow Roxy's truck for the purpose of furniture transport .

"Dirkadirk, guess who is coming to help you two pick out furniture?"

"Not you,"Dirk replied, in a tone that could be taken as joking or serious.

"Yea me! And the oh so lovely Janey B Crocker." Roxy held her hand out for hers and bowed in mock chivalry.

Jane glanced at her and put her hand in hers, courtseying." My what a marvelous idea."

Roxy kissed her hand, raised up and dipped her"See? She's game, Dirkadirk. "  
Jane hoped to hell not to be dropped in that dip, Roxy didn't quite look as strong as she apparently was.

"You know i had no choice anyways," Dirk picked Jane up from the dip, twirled her into a more favorable position, and heaved her up bridal style.

Jane was blushing and used her purse to cover up her expression, she hadn't been in a situation where anyone could or would just pick her up like she was any little ol' thing. It was kind of fun, but mostly terrifying. Did smaller girls fear being dropped so much? What were those two talking about now?

" ….you know how fucked anyone's dancing would be with rocket shoes? "

"Not as bad as your house's furniture style without my help! "

"Are we going to go now?" Jane asked," i hate to interrupt your familial bickering, but we did plan to do furniture searching, and my things were set to arrive today."

"Ah shit, When? " Dirk asked.

"I'll get a call."  
"Great, well you wanna go, Roxanne?"

"Yessiree dick rider. "

Dirk rolled his eyes at the somewhat overdone name,"you're hilarious, Ro-lal."

Roxy got up in the truck, Dirk set Jane up in the backseat and got in on the other side.

" TO THE YARDSALE ON MY STREET"

"Why didn't we just walk there?"

"DRIVING UP ON A YARD SALE IS SWAGGY, JANEYDOO."

"Please dont make that my real nickname"

" we AREE HERE!" Roxy exclaimed, putting the truck in park, killing the engine, and leaping out the door onto her only real neighbor's hyper green lawn.

"Your truck made sure of that." Dirk teased.

Roxy stuck her tongue out.

Jane was already trying to negotiate a price for what looked like an antique coffee table with paws for feet like one of those bath tubs. She made a deal and handed them a couple of twenties. "Dirk, Roxy, can one of you help me with this table? It's solid, i can get one side of it."  
The two of them just took it to the back of the truck," damn that's nice. How much ya get it for, Sweet Janey? "

"Sweet? And i got it for forty dollars, Roxy."

"What a steal! "

"Business, Ro-Lal. I run this! "

" okay so what else y'all need?"

"Couch, stools, some stuff like that."

"I can have my dad ship over the couch i had in my study when he sends my bed frame and desk over next week."

"Solved. So we just need stools for the kitchen since we got an island. Some decorative shit and an entertainment center won't hurt."

"Where do you want to shop for that?"

"There's one of those shops where the guy made it all in like a garage up the road."

The three of them loaded up in the truck and drove about two miles 'up the road'.  
"Mr. English's wooden expression" Roxy read the sign.

"Oh god did you just bring me to my ex-boyfriend's store?"

"Nope. Let's go, mr. Beau."

Jane linked her arm with Dirk's as they entered, sensing his discomfort. " look at the deep red cherry wood of those stools, and the silk on those cushions! "  
"Boy howdy, you've got some bold and daring taste, dont you. Miss..?"

"Crocker, Mr. English? "She answered, courtseying.

"Yes i am! Oh hello Dirk, what a sight for sore eyes you are!" He held his hand out to shake and smiled extra wide.

Dirk shook his hand and gasped before what looked to be sudden recollection as part if Jake's hand popped right off.

"Oh heaven's what the dickens happened to you?"

"Well ya see on new year's eve once back, me and this lovely lady Lalonde had a couple. ..bottles and after she left here i tried to work a table saw. Lost a good third of my hand and two and a half fingers, good thing my granny was in the house or i might've bled out!" He began to guffaw in loud laughter.

Roxy chuckled as well, Dirk rolled his eyes trying too hard to be completely nonchalant. Jane just tried her hardest to concentrate on furniture and not just blurt out some inane opinion on the incident. " so how much for the cherry wood with round white silk cushions?"

Jake took a small catalog book from his shorts pocket," the cherry wood id about $60 each and the cushions," he flips through to another page, " $15 for each cushion unless you buy three or more matching stools, then granny says give them to you free."

"What a deal, Jakey! You should take it, but i do think pink is a prettier color than white. Pink and green is perfect." Roxy winked toward the boy's direction.

"I was trying to tone it down…but it could get boring. How about we color code for each of us three since it seems you'll be around a lot, Ro-Lal?."

"EE YES i love it! JAKEY-KUN GET US PINK ORANGE AND BLUE."

"Will do, miss Roxy." He went to go retrieve the different colors and some non-Display stools.

Dirk chuckled, " your inner weeb is showing."

" shush no one shall know i was up till two thirty am playing some weird gay japan import dating sim!" She stage-whispered.

"Please tell me you didnt try…"

Roxy gripped his shoulders, "DRAMATICAL MURDER IS SOME FUCKED SHIT, DIRK. DONT DO IT. DON'T PLAY A GAME CALLED DMMD"

"The anime looks okay, though. "

"I DUNNO MAN"

Jane started laughing, all she knew about the game was that the characters were visually attractive and blue mullet guy got fucked a lot.

Jake came back with the cushions in one hand and a stool on each arm, "i have enough displays on for you to take one of them, where should i take these?"

"To my truck," roxy said, grabbing the third stool, "but remember you have to make them pay you."

"I always remember that!"

"Not when grandma Harley isn't here you don't!"

They traded shade as they loaded up the stuff.

"So that guy's your ex?"

"Oh yes."

"Cute?"

"I dunno, we were young, he never had any focus. I admit i was pretty clingy there at the end. And i don't think personally that either of us had any business being in a relationship right then."

"A rushed thing to feign off loneliness?"

"Eh, i guess. You have any like that?"

" i had a fake datemate on imvu for a while in 2008. Turns out everyone in the chatroom was their datemate."

"Tragic. Were they a furry in a corset?"

"Goth purple cat-raccoon in a thong and corset, yes."

"What was your avi?"

"I had a ," blush," blue and pink bunny girl with a cat tail…"

"Oh god you must show me the past. I showed you my gay male applejack mlp gaia avatar."

"When my laptop gets here, okay? And we gave to trade myspace playlists."

"Welcome to twelfth grade, 2007, girl."

Roxy and Jake returned to them, Roxy handed him a scrap of paper with the correct price, including tax.

"So that should be $194.85 for the lot of it."

Jane and Dirk each paid for some odd part of it, requiring change back.

"Well it sure was mighty fine meeting you, Miss Crocker."

"Oh, my first name is Jane. And thank you, it was wholly splendid visiting your shop!"

Dirk waved and gave a quick "see ya" as they left, Roxy side hugged him from the truck before they drove back to Dirk and Jane's apartment to unload what was there so far.


	3. Chapter 3

Some Hokey Fanfic Name Part Three  
Genre: slice of life  
Pairing: dirkjane  
Tw: cursing , drug mention(in a joke, no usage)  
Au: roomate/non sburb  
Content Rating: pg-13

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After they got the few things they had in order upstairs, Roxy decided it was lunch time and dragged them all to this tiny thai restaurant that was strangely closer to her house than theirs.  
"I'll pay, " Jane offered as they received their menus. She looked it over for a while, finding that she wasn't completely sure what quite a few of the dishes were;no ingredients listed; she nudged Dirk and whispered, " what are some of these?" She pointed to some of the less obviously titled dishes.  
Dirk obliged, explaining things like "House Special" or "Kings Plate". Roxy ordered their drinks, assuming coke was okey dokey.  
Once they ordered their food, Roxy sprang back into conversation mode," sooooo JaneyCakes, how are ya likin' Tejas?"  
""I've only been here a day, and i've seen so many strange people, is this real?" She joked, " but i don't know if i should form a direct opinion, considering i haven't spent any time in the city where I actually live now."  
"Oh boo, you're so sensible. That's soo not how Tejans-"  
"You're butchering that word, cous,"  
-" would answer that! "  
Dirk rolled his eyes,"how the hell would we "Tey-Jans" answer, then?"  
"We would hoot n holler our misguided opinions while firing several rounds into the air and chugging a dr pepper mixed with tequila, duhhhhh,dirkadirk."  
"To be honest, that sounds like my brother's old neighbor. So i can't very well dispute it."  
"Exactly. Now Miss JaneyCakes, what is your most misguided opinion about Texas?"  
Jane cleared her throat for a mock accent," I swear on baby jeezus, y'all got methamphetamine in yalls tap water."  
Dirk and Roxy exploded in laughter.  
"Oh my gOD YOU SOUND LIKE DRUNK SANDY THE SQUIRREL"  
"THAT'S YOU EVERY DAY, ROXANNE"  
Their server brought out their food and got some refills on their coke. The first thing Janey did was pull out her phone to take a picture for her food blog on Tumblr.  
"Why'd ya take a pic of that?" Roxy asked wuth her mouth half full.  
"THE CHERRY TOMATO IS CUT INTO A FLOWER ON TOP AND LOOK HOW NICELY THEY ORDERED THE PEPPERS AROUND IT, AND THE CUCUMBERS ARE CUT INTO LITTLE SUNS, C'EST MAGNIFIQUE!" Jane answered, a little TOO enthusiastically.  
Roxy half laughed, Dirk just kept to his food, not wanting to show just how /fucking adorable/ he though she was. They got through the meal pretty fast, surprisingly ravenous for a late lunch.  
"That was really good, we should go again sometime," Jane commented in the truck.  
"Yeah, their stuff is really nice for a tiny place in BFE."  
"It's called Scenic Nowhere, DirkyLynn! And oooh yes!" She bounced in her seat , ehile driving," Let's go on Friday! They have a karaoke night!"  
"That sounds pretty fun," Jane smiled.  
"I'll bring ear plugs so you dont have to hear Roxy drawl Spice Girls songs."  
" I am really a great singer! Gonna try out for American Idol this year!"  
"Ooh what are you going to sing?"  
" Probably Ke$ha."  
"Nope! I'm singing 'Mother Knows Best' from Tangled on a dare from my moms."  
"Oh i am so going to watch you do that."  
" hell yeah!"  
Jane giggled, thinking these two should have their own sitcom. Her phone began playing a Betty Boop tune and she picked up, "Dirk, my stuff is at the airport."  
Roxy shouted back,"where at?"  
"Love field, oh wait," she listened in for a second, " they can take my things to the apartment building if that's more convenient. "  
"That option!" Roxy hollered,"saves gas and i dont gave to worry about breaking shit."  
"Agreed," Jane replied before relaying a 'yes' to the person on the other line,"they should be there around seven pm."  
"Sweet, hey Dirk let's chill at your place," Roxy said as she ran a residential stop sign.  
"Okay, we can watch something on my laptop."

They spent the next few hours showing Jane some anime while being generally indecisive dicks.  
"Show her gundams!"  
"No, don't you see she would love something cute with abundant sameface like Fruits Basket?"  
"What about Code Geass?"  
"Honey and Clover."  
"Can't we just watch something already?" Jane asked as more of a false courtesy before just sneaking over and switching to Netflix to watch 'The Maltese Falcon' while they argued. She was too into the movie to notice anyone was still there before Dirk was holding a tall floor lamp and asking where she wanted it.  
"Oh, I'll show you. " she paused the movie and got up, a tad clumsy for her sleepy leg. She showed him to a corner and followed back to get more things. There really wasnt tooooo much. Mainly books, clothes, old toys, speakers, a matress, blankets , cookware, movies, games, accessories, and a box titled 'other stuff'. Jane tipped the movers and they left.  
"You sure do have a lotta stuff Jane Jane. " Roxy commented, putting one of Jane's dresses on,"i feel so retro omgosh. How do i look?"  
Jane started laughing,"marvelous."  
Dirk rolled his eyes,"you look like a doll," he said sarcastically.  
Roxy took the dress off and hung it up in the closet." They look better on JaneyCakes anyways," she winked.  
Dirk noticed, but just continued making up Jane's bed.  
"So when do ya start school?" Roxy asked.  
"In two weeks. Im glad i have a little time to adjust before then. I couldn't imagine starting school tomorrow."

"That would blow more dicks than my cousin in tenth grade."  
"I did not!"  
"Joking, DirkyJerky. Joking. Glad i got you talkin'. Soooooo you two gonna break in the bed tonight?"  
"What are you talking about, Roxanne?"  
"Frickle frackle , you dickle dackle."  
Jane raised an eyebrow to Roxy, hoping her blush wasn't too fucking visible." Where are you getting all of these wild ideas?"  
"From y'all. I dunno i sense the vibes you two put out and they're callin for some frickle frackle."  
Dirk thunked her on the head. "That's enough weird shit, go home before your moms cook something good without you."  
" you know just how to get my goat, striderino. See you later, then, mister and missus frickle frackle." She exited, laughing at her own joke.  
Jane shook her head," thanks, i dont know why your cousin insists that we're,…physically intimate. "  
"She's been doing this forever. Miss matchmaker. I think she gets it from her mom."  
"Fair enough, i suppose.. but are we technically dating?"  
"Kindof? Do you wanna?"  
"Young, bi, and ready to try?"  
"Is that yes?"  
"I thought you understood that."  
Dirk laid across her lap, smiling up at her," yeah."  
Jane bowed her head down to kiss him, and he raised his head to mert her lips. It was kindof sideways, but an okay first kiss between the two anyways."you're adorable, Jane."


End file.
